CONQUERING LONG-TERM ANGER

Conquering Long-Term Anger

So, you've lost your spark and find yourself being critical of your spouse and children. What's going on? If you get irritated at little things, if you blow the horn at the driver who doesn't move when the light turns green, if you blame your spouse when something goes wrong, you may be suffering from "stored anger". That's right "anger". Now, don't get mad at me for calling you an angry person. If you do, that is further evidence that I'm right.

A critical attitude, a snapping tongue, and a loss of zest for life often indicate that a person is filled with unresolved anger. Anger is the results of being wronged. When a person has been wronged over and over again, by numerous people, and has not resolved that anger, he or she becomes an angry person and their stored anger shows up in their behavior. They become critical, blaming, and often have feelings of depression.

Long-term anger does not simply go away. It builds up over time and eventually shows up in our behavior.

The Anger That Lasts for Years

Mike was a mild-mannered, extremely successful physician. Yet his wife, Julie, had a major complaint. "For the last year," she said, "he has been snapping at me and the children for every little thing. Nothing we do pleases him." "Has he always been that way," I asked? "No", she said, "in the early days of our marriage, he was very loving and caring. He seldom made a critical remark. But about a year ago he began to change."

I found out that about a year ago, Mike's mother had died. Her death triggered feelings from childhood that had been buried for a long time. Mike's dad was an alcoholic and left the family when Mike was ten. His mom worked hard to provide for Mike and his brother, but she was very critical of them.

When I suggested that me might be suffering from long-term anger, he said, "I'm not the explosive type."

Here is the assignment I gave Mike. I want you to set aside an hour to think through your life answering two questions: Who are the people who have wronged me? and What did they do? You may want to make two columns on your paper, one entitled "People" and the other "Ways in which they wronged me". Begin with your childhood: mother, father, brother. List their names and the ways in which they wronged you. Be specific: "Ned hit me with a ball bat when I was ten." Then think about school teachers and students. Walk through your whole life.

The next week, Mike came back with three legal pages filled with names and events where he had been wronged. Almost none of the wrongs had been processed. Mike had stored his anger under a mild-mannered spirit.

An Enemy to a Healthy Marriage

Long-term anger is an enemy to a healthy marriage. It often expresses itself in criticism of one's spouse, blaming them for your own unhappiness. Yesterday we talked about identifying the source of long-term anger: make a list of the significant people in your past and ways in which they have wronged you. Then ask yourself, "What did I do to resolve the wrong committed?" Often, you will find that you did nothing to process the hurt and anger. Perhaps because of fear of how they would respond, you simply absorbed the pain and went on. How do you get rid of long-term anger?

Take your list of people and the wrongs they have committed against you, to God. You might express it in a prayer like this: "Lord here are the people who have hurt me and here is what they did. You are a just and loving God. Do what you think is best to them. I release them to you and I release my hurt and anger to you. I want live the rest of my life freed from the past." Such a prayer is a major step in getting rid of long-term anger.


Adapted from Anger: Handling A Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way by Dr. Gary Chapman.